Just like that, in the blink of an eye, twelve weeks have gone. The first half of my Masters journey is over (well, with the exception of the next two assignments).
I just wanted to sit and reflect, consider how I feel (whilst also test running the new WordPress editor!)
I know that I have never felt more alive. Been back at university has ignited something in me, a desire to learn, to do better. Whilst others in the group ‘cut class’, I literally bound in enthusiastically. Is it because I’m that bit older and I’m escaping the kids for a few precious hours of me-time? Or is it because I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be?
I prefer to think that it’s the latter.
Of course, being half way through also means that it’s time to start thinking about the future. I’m literally petrified that a lack of confidence in myself and my abilities will signal a complete failure to translate what I’ve learned into any sort of tangible success in the outside world. I want to be a writer, but I’m also realistic. I’m not going to be sashaying out of those university doors into a spectacular book deal. I know that I’m still learning and I have a long way to go. Being a book blogger, and being in the privileged position of reading so many incredible books has taught me that I’m nowhere near the grade that is required. It’s something that I intend to chip away at. We’re encouraged to call ourselves writers – but I just feel a like a kid playing dress up. I’m not sure what I need to achieve to break down this wall.
I’m trying very hard not to become too anxious about the future, and trust that, just like with this MA (which pretty much fell into my lap, gift wrapped with a bow on top) that the right path will become apparent. Instead I’m focusing on the job in hand, working bloody hard to be the best that I can possibly be whilst trying to silence the niggly little voice which repeatedly tries to tell me that I’m not good enough. That I can’t.
I can. I can. I can.
2 thoughts on “Looking to the Future”
Thanks, Emma. I know exactly how you feel. The excitement of coming to class and upgrading your skills while others skip classes, the desire to do very well (and then actually doing it), battling the fear of what will happen next. I believe that there are a lot of mature students like ourselves who feel this way. Thank you for putting it into words.
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Thanks Tony! Hopefully it will all be worth it. I hope your studies are going well!